cueball007

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ....... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your

upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favourite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument

and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a  rough draft before the masterpiece

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNU6_OntYD8

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.




These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief .'





THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Hair Removal....


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -

The Epi-lady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.  Have the kleenex ready and maybe the Depends, you'll laugh that hard...

Read on...  

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.  ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all  wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP!  Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe............

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy -

a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!

I touch.

I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut!  

My butt is sealed shut.

Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself

'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the  wax should

melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub -

The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.      

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,

is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter  'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the  rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is  not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS !!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS !!!  

It works !!! ' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour...