jane_and.the_dragon

Spring time is a great time, everything is more colorful and people are getting outdoors and trying new things and renewing interests in old hobbies. It is fun for them, and a great thing to do in the warm weather, but I am in such a blue emotional state I can not enjoy it, and it seems like I am developing some resentment for the spring activities that are taking the company of people I enjoyed winter away from me. I would never try to stop anyone from enjoying THEIR lives, we only get one and everyone should enjoy it while they can, but understanding that does not make me feel less lonely when everyone is off doing fun spring things, and all I can do is set around and worry about what the doctors are going to do to my heart. There is a problem with at least one value, and it will be at least July before they have all the info they need to figure it out. I got a serious case of spring blues.( NOT THAT ANYONE REALLY CARES ????.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE, YOU CAN BE GOING ALONG HAPPIER THEN YOU HAVE BEEN IN YEARS, AND ONE TRIP TO THE DOCTORS CHANGES YOUR WHOLE ATTITUDE ON EVERYTHING?
I SPENT A FEW DAYS IN THE HOSPITAL AND THEY FOUND SOMETHING I DID NOT KNOW I HAD. LITTLE PIECE OF ADVICE RHEUMATIC FEVER, MAKE SURE YOUR DOCTOR KEEPS AN EYE ON YOUR HEART, ESPECIALLY THE VALVES. MY LATE SISTER AND I BOTH HAD RHEUMATIC FEVER WHEN WE WERE KIDS. HER'S WAS WORSE THAN MINE AND WE KNEW EARLY ON IT HAD DAMAGED HER HEART, BUT I THOUGHT I WAS LUCKY, BECAUSE NOTHING HAD EVER SHOWN UP CONNECTING MY HEART TO RHEUMATIC FEVER, UNTIL THIS LAST HOSPITAL STAY. IT IS NOT GOOD AND I WILL MOST LIKELY NEED SOME KIND OF SURGERY TO FIX IT. THEY HAVE A LOT OF TESTS TO RUN FIRST. I FOUND OUT TODAY FROM A VIDEO I FOUND ON LINE THAT NOT ONLY CAN IT HAVE CAUSED THIS VALUE PROBLEM, BUT THE VALUE PROBLEM MAY BE A FACTOR IN THE AFIB ADN AREAL FLUTTER I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH. MY EMOTIONS ARE EVERYWHERE. I JUST SNAPPED AT MY B/F FOR SOMETHING SO STUPID. UNTIL THEY DECIDE WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO, I ANTICIPATE MY MOODS BEING BAD. IT SI A LOT TO DEAL WITH. WHEN I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, I WAS HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING, BUT I DID NOT THINK IT WAS ANYTHING SERIOUS. I HAVE MANY ALLERGIES AND THIS YEAR HAS BEEN A BAD YEAR FOR THEM. i THOUGHT I WOULD GO UP THEY WOULD GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR THE ALLERGIES AND SEND ME HOME. BOY WAS I WRONG! WHAT STARTED AS A 24 HR OBSERVATION ENDED UP A 4-DAY STAY WITH A CHEST X RAY , A CT SCAN, AND AN ECHO CARDIOGRAM. IT WAS THE LATTER THAT SHOWED THE HEART MURMUR AND THE VALVE PROBLEM. THEY KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT THEY HAVE NOT DECIDED THE BEST TREATMENT YET. I THINK THAT IS WHY I AM SO ON EDGE. SOMETHING WILL NEED DONE, OR IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO DIE FROM IT IN 2 YEARS. I WILL PROB DO AS THEY SAY, BUT THIS KINDA KNOCKS ME WANTING TO LIVE TO BE 100 OFF THE TABLE.

Anyone that knows me knows I have an obsessive personality. I get that it bugs some people when I obsess about things. They love to tell me to stop, but they never tell me how. When I ask them how to stop, they say, just do it. Really? Just do it, Is that the best you have to offer. Do they not get if it were as easy for me as to JUST DO IT I would have stopped obsessing decades ago? I do not think they get it. The obsessing about things is part of my genetic make up, and can not just be turned off like a switch. In time, I can move past that obsession, but it is usually replaced by another one. If those that say not to obsess have any real advice on HOW to stop it, I would love to hear it. However, if you do not have any more idea how to not obsess then I do please keep your opinions to yourself. It is not productive to say stop and not offer a means to do so, and at times it may come off as you do not like me, and you are just being picky to make me feel bad.

Lately I have been doing a fair to middlen job of keeping my emotionas scales ballanced. but some times it does not take much to tip them. Most scales only have 2 arms to balance. My emotional scales have 4 arms. Tonight my scales are tipping between sorrow and anger. A friend of mine died today. She will be missed by many. and I am feeling a little sorry for myself as someone I have always considered a friend is not concerned about my feelings.
What deo you do when the emotional scales tip? Do you pull back away from everyone and every thing that has hurt you and turn into a ball of sorrow or do you face the sorrow and pain, and possibly turn your feelings to anger and hatread of what you once lovedd so much. I learned long ago you can never change what someone else does. You can only change how you resopond to their actions. Do you cry , do you yell,do you run away,do you strike back and try to hurt them as baddly as they hurt you?
I maybe cry, but i vie the best way to treat people that dissapoint you or hurt you or bully you is to do nothing and let karma balance the scales again. You may fool people, but no one fools karma. Karma gets everyone. A good example of that is my ex. He made the last year we were together hell with his mental abuse, and it took a couple years but karma finally got him. When I first met him he told me how he wanted to get remarried and at one point he asked me to marry him, but neither of us wanted to permanently move to the others location. But I digress. About a year after we broke up he found what he had always wanted the woman he would have married in June of the next year, had karma not taken Christmas time of the previous year to lay the smack down on him. All the emotional pain he caused me and a couple other girls came home to rest 3 days before Christmas that year. He died, and karma had snatched away the happy he had always wanted. So yea karma can do the job for me and I willjust sit back and protect my own karma. lol
I will need all my strong good emotions to help my neighbors it was a member or their family that died and will be greatly missed.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. ( truer words were never written )