Poker Horoscope – Follow Your Destiny

Poker Horoscope – Follow Your Destiny

I channel my psychic powers to look into your (poker) future and tell you what lies ahead...

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

“Your instincts are good but you rarely listen to them.  Trust your gut and don’t be afraid to make unconventional moves.  Also, be wary of naked flush draws and 3-bets from Germans, Greeks or Colombians.”

Lucky Hand: 99

Unlucky Hand: JK (suited)

Sign to stay away from: Taurus

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

“Casinos build giant palaces with a 51% edge.  You’ll have over 80% during most of your all-ins this week and still lose.  Life isn’t fair, you’ve been warned.”

Lucky Hand: None

Unlucky Hand: All of them

Sign to stay away from: All of them

(seriously, it’s going to be a bad week)

 

Aries (March 21- April 19)

“Now is not the time to over-think things.  If it looks like the nuts and talks like the nuts, it’s probably the nuts.   Be prepared to make some huge lay downs.”

Lucky Hand: 45 (hearts)

Unlucky Hand: QQ

Sign to stay away from: Capricorn

 

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

“I see a bad week for sweating gut-shots.  Your opponents will brick their share of flush draws against you but those gutter balls are going to keep getting there.”

Lucky Hand: 77

Unlucky Hand: AA

Sign to stay away from: Gemini

 

Gemini (May 21- June 22)

“I see a strange week for you.  Might want to start some zen meditation or deep breathing practice to get ready to withstand a few horrible bad beats.  But don’t worry, you’ll get there the wrong way a few times yourself in big spots.  Those with heart conditions should consider a week away from the tables.”

Lucky Hand: K5 (off suit)

Unlucky Hand: KK

Sign to stay away from: Virgo

 

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

“Listen very closely, a deep tournament run could depend on how well you listen to the following words: Do not play weak suited aces out of position.”

Lucky Hand: JJ

Unlucky Hand: AJ (diamonds)

Sign to stay away from: Scorpio

 

Leo (July 23- August 22)

“I see a real boost to your bankroll this week as long as you avoid slow playing your big hands and play extra cautious against triple-barrells on king-high boards.”

Lucky Hand: AK (spades)

Unlucky Hand: QQ

Sign to stay away from: Aquarius

 

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

“I see a JJ in your hand, an A49 flop on the board and a huge bluff from your opponent.  Do you have the guts to call?”

Lucky Hand: 78 (clubs)

Unlucky Hand: KQ (hearts)

Sign to stay away from: Leo

 

Libra (September 23- October 22)

“All your hard work is about to pay off.  This is the week when things go exactly as they should, your big hands will hold up and those evil fish will go bust chasing their draws against you…just kidding! Come one, this is poker, get ready for another week of hellish bad beats and questioning your sanity.”

Lucky Hand: 22

Unlucky Hand: AA

Sign to stay away from: Virgo

 

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

“You’re generally a very tight player but this is the week to loosen up a bit and try out some new plays.  Be aggressive and fearless.”

Lucky Hand: 56 (hearts)

Unlucky Hand: KT (spades)

Sign to stay away from: Sagittarius

 

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

“I see you winning a huge multi-way pot with suited connectors and making a deep run in a decent tournament only to lose it all chasing higher stakes.  Do you have the discipline to reverse your fate?”

Lucky Hand: 98 (diamonds)

Unlucky Hand: QQ

Sign to stay away from: Capricorn

 

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

“Beware of turn cards that complete a flush in multi-way pots as well as innocent looking flops with your big pocket pairs.  I see a winning week for you if you can dodge a few of these land mines.”

Lucky Hand: AK (hearts)

Unlucky Hand: 77

Sign to stay away from: Scorpio

 

Photo Source: https://richtopia.com/effective-leadership/throw-out-your-crystal-ball

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