Lately I have been thinking a lot about loyalty. Most of us think of loyalty as a dedication to someone or something by and employee or a member such as a club member. Those of you who know me well know for the past 11 years I have been very involved in on line pool leagues. I have always been loyal to the leagues I was in primarily because I was friends with the owners of the leagues. When time came for me to leave a league it was always hard on me even if it was my decision because if my loyalty and dedication the the league. Recently I discovered that loyalty to ones friends should remain even if a parting of the leagues happens. Imagine my surprise to discover that just because I chose not to leave the league I am currently staff in when the ha and the person I came there with left the league that it would cost me someone I have considered my friend for around 8 years. I defended this person when people told me he was a liar. I stood by him when people told me he was bad and not what I thought he was. I was shocked to find that not only did he lie to me when I always told everyone he never lied to me, but when he knew I would see his lie for what it was he deleted me from his friends lists instead of talking to me and telling me why he did it. I do not necessarily get rid of someone I called a friend for one mistake or one lie, but I am not stupid and I will not be manipulated. When he found out telling me lies is not the way to get me to follow him blindly he deleted me which makes me wonder was he ever the friend I thought he was?
I had many reasons for not leaving the league I have been with for over a year and ran over 1000 tournaments for. I may have went with him if things had added up but every time I tried to sort it out I found things that did not make sense. I was not told of the impending split ahead of time, and was shocked that it happened. I needed answers and my friend was unwilling to give them to me so I found them in other places. I keep telling people I would make a great detective. The more answers I uncovered the more sure I became that I did not want to leave this league. The final piece of the puzzle fell into place after I became admin in the league. My new positions allowed me access to a tool that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my friend had defiantly lied to me. When I tried to send him a message to find out why I discovered he had deleted me. Sense he will not talk to me I must draw my own conclusions. I feel he made this move so he would not be forced to face the lie he told me ( someone that had always trusted him). I was loyal to him and he did not share the same loyalty to our friendship. I really think when it comes to friends loyalty should be a 2 way street, not a relationship where one person is loyal and the other does what ever he wants without concern for his friends feelings.
jane_and.the_dragon
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Worry about your character, not your reputation. Your character is who you are, your reputation is who people think you are.
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THE FORGIVING HEART
Have you ever had a fight with a friend? I mean a really really bad fight, one that hurts you so bad it cuts into the center of your heart like a knife? About 2 years ago I had one of those. I am sure some of you that read my blogs regularly remember the fight I am talking about. I wrote many blogs about it as I was trying to understand it in my head. Someone i used to have all the respect in the world for said something very hurtful to me and it tore away at my self esteem so badly it took me over a year to recover. This person had made and attempt to get in touch with me once and we actually talked for 4 hrs , but at that time she would not say sorry or even admit she did it because she was angry. I did not talk to her for months, but I heard through the grape vine something really bad happened in her life and I myself had been through the same some time back. As a result of me feeling sorry for her I had a message relayed to her if she needed someone to talk to she still had my number and could use it. She did. In fact we have spoken several times sense that and the last time I finally got what I needed to leave the unpleasantness of a couple years ago back there where it belongs. She finally admitted she had said what she said in anger. I can now forgive her and MAYBE we can get back the friendship we both missed with time.
I have mentioned before my ex that messed me up mentally. I am sure some of you will remember me saying I only got 2 good things out of that relationship, the beautiful moonstone pendant he sent me , and the ability to forgive. Before I met him I never forgave anyone that wronged me. I know the Bible says forgive someone 70X7 times, but before I met Marc I did not know how. Even thought he had a real mean side , he was the most forgiving person I ever met. I tell people you could walk up to him and shoot him right in the stomach , and if you said sorry and never hurt him again in time he would forgive you. I try to make that part of me. Sometimes it is not easy to forgive someone who has ripped your heart out and threw it on the ground. It helps to remember one thing all people are human with human emotions that sometimes overpower our brains. The thing is to realize it when it was just the anger talking and not your friends real feelings if they say something hurtful. The friend I had fought with a couple years ago and I are getting better, but I still have much anger at her husband, and maybe always will. He hurt me too in a different way and never said sorry. Even if he did say sorry I do not know if I would forgive him, because he made me a bunch of promises to get me to help them with a project they were working on, and then when he got what he wanted he broke every one of the promises. SO I am not sure I will be forgiving him even if he says sorry. I was talking to his wife the other day when he came home and asked her who she was talking to. I was hoping she would say none of your business lol , but she told him it was me. He was like oh tell her I said hey, I soooooooooo wanted to say he has a lot of nerve to act like nothing has changed , but I did not. I was polite and told her tel him hey, but I am sure by the tone in my voice she knew i was not happy. I am not going to allow my anger at him mess up the progress she and I have made to rebuilding our friendship.
I really think one of the best gifts you can give yourself is the ability to forgive those who hurt you. By forgiving them you do not stew over how hurt you are and the fact they do not care they hurt you. By forgiving them you make room in your heart for more joyful things.
I just wish another ( " I guess we will call her ex friend" sense she has me on ignore )would learn how to forgive. I have apologized , but It was after I apologized she put me on ignore. It is like another friend of mine once said to me when he apologizes after he was mean to me for a year. He said, " I apologized that is all I can do. It is not up to you if you accept it or not." I am choosing forgiveness with the friend I fought with 2 years ago, because in the good times I am way better with her then without her.
I want to talk about one more type of forgiving. That is forgiving yourself. I have another friend who can not forgive himself for something that happened when he was very young. I know that feeling ,because I have only very recently forgiven myself for something that happens when i was 15 . The big problem with life is even those of us that are psychic are rarely psychic enough to see the future outcome of things we do today. We tend to play the what if game with ourselves after something bad happens. We are like what if I had not made that call? Would he be alive today? We all need to stop the what if thinking wat has happened has happened so we need to fing a way around it, and go on with out lives.
I have mentioned before my ex that messed me up mentally. I am sure some of you will remember me saying I only got 2 good things out of that relationship, the beautiful moonstone pendant he sent me , and the ability to forgive. Before I met him I never forgave anyone that wronged me. I know the Bible says forgive someone 70X7 times, but before I met Marc I did not know how. Even thought he had a real mean side , he was the most forgiving person I ever met. I tell people you could walk up to him and shoot him right in the stomach , and if you said sorry and never hurt him again in time he would forgive you. I try to make that part of me. Sometimes it is not easy to forgive someone who has ripped your heart out and threw it on the ground. It helps to remember one thing all people are human with human emotions that sometimes overpower our brains. The thing is to realize it when it was just the anger talking and not your friends real feelings if they say something hurtful. The friend I had fought with a couple years ago and I are getting better, but I still have much anger at her husband, and maybe always will. He hurt me too in a different way and never said sorry. Even if he did say sorry I do not know if I would forgive him, because he made me a bunch of promises to get me to help them with a project they were working on, and then when he got what he wanted he broke every one of the promises. SO I am not sure I will be forgiving him even if he says sorry. I was talking to his wife the other day when he came home and asked her who she was talking to. I was hoping she would say none of your business lol , but she told him it was me. He was like oh tell her I said hey, I soooooooooo wanted to say he has a lot of nerve to act like nothing has changed , but I did not. I was polite and told her tel him hey, but I am sure by the tone in my voice she knew i was not happy. I am not going to allow my anger at him mess up the progress she and I have made to rebuilding our friendship.
I really think one of the best gifts you can give yourself is the ability to forgive those who hurt you. By forgiving them you do not stew over how hurt you are and the fact they do not care they hurt you. By forgiving them you make room in your heart for more joyful things.
I just wish another ( " I guess we will call her ex friend" sense she has me on ignore )would learn how to forgive. I have apologized , but It was after I apologized she put me on ignore. It is like another friend of mine once said to me when he apologizes after he was mean to me for a year. He said, " I apologized that is all I can do. It is not up to you if you accept it or not." I am choosing forgiveness with the friend I fought with 2 years ago, because in the good times I am way better with her then without her.
I want to talk about one more type of forgiving. That is forgiving yourself. I have another friend who can not forgive himself for something that happened when he was very young. I know that feeling ,because I have only very recently forgiven myself for something that happens when i was 15 . The big problem with life is even those of us that are psychic are rarely psychic enough to see the future outcome of things we do today. We tend to play the what if game with ourselves after something bad happens. We are like what if I had not made that call? Would he be alive today? We all need to stop the what if thinking wat has happened has happened so we need to fing a way around it, and go on with out lives.
LET'S SEE IF IT TAKES NOW
THIS IS THE BLOG I COULD NOT POST BEFORE THE ORIGINAL TITLE WAS LOST MESSAGES.
I heard this story one time of the space traveler who
went on a long space mission it was to take him many to another galaxy so he
was put in a type of sleep till he got there. When he got there the
ship was set to awaken him so he could do research on the planet he landed on
and send the info back to his home planet. A month later when he
finished his mission he got back into the craft to return home. He
thought he would return home a hero. Again he entered the sleep
state for the long trip home. When he finally arrived home he found
everyone on his planet had been dead for a long time. A large
asteroid had struck the planet a short time after he left and had caused the
sun to be blocked out for a long time. All human life died and in
time the cloud of dust settled and the planet and the air began to clear.
The traveler realized all that time he spent traveling in space, all the
research he had done on the distant planet, all the information he had sent
back was all for nothing. There was not one there to receive the
information he was sending home. He was so lonely and sad, but not
for the loss of all the people on the planet, because all his family and
friends would have been gone before he got back anyhow. He knew
that when he left. He was sad because there was not one there to
give him the hero's welcome home he felt was owed to him. He did
not mourn the loss of all human on his planet he mourned the loss of his hero's
welcome and the statue of himself he thought he would surely get when he came
home.
Here lately I have been feeling kinda like
that. I have been doing a lot of crying lately about things I lost
lately. I should not cry for those who died like my grandpa used to say
when a baby is born you should cry then cause their troubles are just starting
and when someone dies you should laugh cause their troubles are
over. In the past year my family has had 6 deaths the most recent
just yesterday. You add to that the fact my nephews cancer is
back and someone I once called a god friend turned her back on me without
telling me why you will see I have plenty of reason to cry. BUT am
I do not cry because those that died will not see another sun rise or sunset,
because most of them were in a lot of pain at the end. I cry because
I miss them, and I mass my friend. I miss the times we spent window
shopping on the net or talking about our art projects.
I consider myself a fixer. If I find
relationships that are falling apart I try to fix them. The problem is I
can not fix my own. I have tried to fix it but it is no use
. Nothing i did helped and I got no where. I am
beginning to think maybe it is time to take all those things that brought me
such joy when we were friends and put them in a box and hide it away till I
forget who got them for me. Every where I look there is something
to remind me of my lost friend, the orange pillow on my bed, the
petrified wood on and little teddy bear boy on my desk, all the jewelry in my
jewelry box, the little Christmas decorated with love in my shed..
Every time I see these things I cry at the loss. I have tried hard
to make myself believe that maybe I was wrong and she did not care as much as I
thought she did, but all these trinkets and keep sakes she sent me say
you were not wrong. So I am torn between what was and what is and
hoping for what could be again.
IF THIS BLOG SEEMED TO JUMP AROUND ALL OVER THE PLACE
WELCOME TO MY WORLD THAT IS HOW MY BRAIN HAS BEEN ACTING LATELY.
THE UNPOSTABLE BLOG
This is not the blog I wanted to post. I tried about 20 times to post the one I wanted to and for some unknown reason gamedesire would not allow it to be posted. I would hit save and it would disappear. It almost makes me wonder if some unknown power does not want me to post the blog I wrote. I have had blogs that did not take before, but this is the first time I have tried this many times and still it would not take. I emailed gamedesire about the problem and I am waiting on them to tell me what the problem is=s. I hope they do not try to say it is my browser, because I tried 2 different browsers and neither could post the original blog I wrote.
SELF-CENTERED
Have you ever noticed how self-centered the world is these days? It seems everyone is only cares about what they want and the hell with anyone else. I will admit even I have those moments. When I do I usually write a blog. Today is one of those days. I have 2 net friends that I love very much. Problem is when they get together they revert to 2 spoiled 5 year olds throwing sand on each other on a playground. I have tried my best to get them to get along and it is not working.
. What is really upsetting to me is neither of them seem to notice what this constant arguing is doing to me. I am sure there are those of you that would say I should find new friends, but it is not that easy for me to just give up on people I love even when they are being jerks. I feel like they could care less if they work my anxiety up as long as they can hit each other with mud made from words.
I have been very upset lately some cause of things in my real world some cause of things on the net some cause of my own short comings, but no matter what the cause this summer has not been a good one even though we have had many sunny days. I should get out and enjoy them but i am scared of having a panic attack. Lately tv and the net have been my world. I have been worried about a friend of mine who has diabetes and it is not stable. I just wish my friends could see what the way they act is doing to me and actually care.
I have a friend in my real world that cares, but she has been really busy lately and I would never try to take time away from her family. Family is important spend as much time with them as you can while you can. Yea I know this blog kinda jumps around, but that is what my thoughts are doing tonight sorry.
. What is really upsetting to me is neither of them seem to notice what this constant arguing is doing to me. I am sure there are those of you that would say I should find new friends, but it is not that easy for me to just give up on people I love even when they are being jerks. I feel like they could care less if they work my anxiety up as long as they can hit each other with mud made from words.I have been very upset lately some cause of things in my real world some cause of things on the net some cause of my own short comings, but no matter what the cause this summer has not been a good one even though we have had many sunny days. I should get out and enjoy them but i am scared of having a panic attack. Lately tv and the net have been my world. I have been worried about a friend of mine who has diabetes and it is not stable. I just wish my friends could see what the way they act is doing to me and actually care.
I have a friend in my real world that cares, but she has been really busy lately and I would never try to take time away from her family. Family is important spend as much time with them as you can while you can. Yea I know this blog kinda jumps around, but that is what my thoughts are doing tonight sorry.
