jane_and.the_dragon

With all the deaths in the past couple years, it makes me wonder why more people have not had mental breaks. I know the stress of losing a loved one will play games with your mind. I had a friend about a decade ago who died way too young and it did not have to happen. My mind wrapped around the fact it did not have to happen so tight it made me literally shake. I could not let go of the thought if she had just had a simple surgery she would still be here and her 10 year old girl would not have had to grow up without her mom.
Many people have had loved ones die, and in the past year, like a friend said, the deaths have been magnified. Seems like every day we know someone who has lost a loved one, either to covid or to natural causes. Every time we here about another death , it makes us wonder who will be next.
A couple months ago a friend lost his father, and I thought he was taking it way better then I expected him to. I found out tonight how wrong I was to believe that. He has been talking to his dead dad, and I did not think it was a problem, until recently when I discovered he thinks his father is answering him when he talks to him. That is really odd in itself as I always thought his dad was a man of few words unless he had something that needed said. Tonight this behavior of talking to his dead dad took a bad turn. Out of the blue he made contact with another associate of his, and said he had found and angle and that his father had something for him to tell the associate. At that point he made a threat toward the associate in the dead father's name. He said his dead father had told him to say what he did to the other person. I was shocked and told him he needed to talk to his therapist about this, because angles are not used to threaten people USUALLY and that I did not think God would appreciate him saying an angle was involved in a threat. Clearly my friend is missing his father who always looked out for him all my friends life. He has a desire for his dad to still be able to do it, but I can not make him understand that his father is not longer here on Earth and can not longer fight his battles for him.
I had another friend years ago who could not deal with his lover's death and his mind recreated the lover. To my friend his dead lover was still alive and with him. This new aggressive behavior in the name of his dead father makes me think my friend that lost his dad may be heading down the same mental crack as my other friend did, and I fear what may happen if my friend slips into a total world of fantasy. This is hard for me , because she my dad died we all faced it head on. It is hard watching someone's mind break.

What is wrong with people? Why do some people yell at others for no reason? Case in point I called a friend today to see when he wanted me to help him with something I told him last night I would help him with today, and he yelled at me I ALREADY GOT THEM DONE! How was I to know he stayed up all night working on them? When I told him I would help him with it today he said ok. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? WHY WOULD HE NOT JUST TELL ME HE DID THEM HIMSELF WITHOUT YELLING?

My brother and his family bought me a new mattress as a Christmas present. They delivered it today. I picked it out, and when they delivered it I learned something. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS MEASURE! In the store it did not look so thick. I told the guy in the store I had an antique bed that set about knee high off the floor. I forgot the sheet spring set up on this thing made the bed another 3 inches higher then the main frame so when the brought in the bunkie board and and mattress it made it about 6 inches higher then the mattress i had on it, so now I need to use a step stool to get on it easily. It is not hard to slide off it , but to step up to it without the stool is hard on the knees. Always remember to bring a tape measure and the size of the bed when you are getting a new mattress. If you do not you may find yourself LITERALLY climbing into bed. lol

I really wish I could craw in a cave and sleep till spring. Especially now. I really hate this time of year. It has been depressing for me sense 1969 when my mother's dad died on Christmas day, in 1982 my dad died exactly a week before Thanksgiving, and about 10 years ago the first man I ever loved died 3 days before Christmas. I have not slept well for days from stress, and this morning I got a call that a friend of mine had died today. A couple hours ago I got the call they were delivering my new refrigerate Thursday. That would normally be good news, but who wants to deal with major furniture moment two days before Christmas.
I am so worn out and stressed out. At the risk of being selfish I feel like no one cares about how I feel about anything, and even when I try to make them understand, they do not. I got a dentist appointment Monday, a therapy appointment Wednesday. They are delivering that fridge Thursday. I am invited to my nephews for Christmas eve, and then NOTHING no one will be coming to see me on Christmas itself, and I have not been invited anywhere that day. Sucks to be all alone on Christmas.
Every time you turn around someone is dropping dead, mostly to covid. I was doing pretty well holding myself together till this week. As Christmas gets closer I get more stressed, and it does not help when I try to get people to see how I feel and why, but they do not get it, either they are too wrapped up in their own lives or they just do not care at all about me.
Last night I was asked to make some special things for a friend's family and I was up half the night doing that only to be woke up by automated telemarketers very early this morning . Then around 2pm my youngest niece called me she was crying. She had lost her bank card, and the bank is closed till Monday, and her dad was too far away to let her have any money. He works for the power company and when they need things after storms he is one of the drivers that take it to them. I told her not to cry that I had her covered. When she got here she looked really rough. I thing the season is getting to her too. I try so hard to block out the bad feelings but it is hard when others add to them. I really think bears have the right idea with this hibernating through the winter thing. You curl up in your nice warm den away from the cold, clouds, and snow. Then you come back out in the spring when things are starting to grow and the sun shines more and the days are getting longer. I am sorry if my thoughts are every where I get like this this time of year most years.

With Christmas nearly here and me not able to sleep I thought I would share a few memories I am working into a book I am writing with you.In the mid 1960's my sisters were living in a small appointment in the city. My one sister asked the other to wrap an empty box for her in a way so she could put the present in it later. My oldest sister was always the best wrapper in the family, and so she wrapped it and gave it back to our other sister. Christmas morning our oldest sister was not at all happy to see our other sister had put the blouse she bought her for Christmas inside the box the older sister has wrapped herself. In a very real sense she had wrapped her own present. lolOne of my favorite memories comes from when my little brother and I were really young. We had this pact if one of us woke up on Christmas or Easter we would wake the other one so we could go open our presents. Our father who was himself a big kid at heart, loved Christmas very much. He had grown up in the depression so they did not have much. He would kinda relive his child hood through us. On Christmas he loved to watch us open our gifts. We did not have much , but we had more then he did growing up. We always set the Christmas tree up Christmas eve. If my brother and I were not awake by 6 am you would hear my father whisper to us Janie, Roy, Santa Clause has been here. At that point we would both spring out of bed and run down the stairs. Before we hit the top of the steps we would hear our mother scream at him. FRANCIS LET THEM SLEEP ! Like we would be sleeping after she screamed at dad lol. We did not realize it then , but mom and our older sisters most likely had not been in bed long after setting everything up for us, and mom wanted to sleep a bit. Sleep is in short supply on Christmas morning when you are the mother of 5 children. Dad would just laugh and follow my brother and me down the stairs to the waiting tree with the presents under it. He did not even reply at all to mom being mad about having to get back up so soon on a cold December morning. Our upstairs did not have any direct heat source, but that is another story. If you would like to see a pic of dad and me the morning I got my tickle bee game, It is in the memory album. I tried to put it here, but the site would not let me do it. I kept getting this thing said something went wrong but would not tell me what.