orange_sadona

   I was just told today a very good friend of mine, that I had not seen for about a year, died Saturday.  This girl was like a sister to me. I did not even hold it against her the one time she stole some money from me, because she was always there when I needed her. I figured our friendship was worth more than the money she stole.  We may have done a bit of fighting from time to time, but when I needed someone to have my back, she always did.  I remember one time I had sprained my back and we were set to work the local food bank. I could hardly walk, but I did not want to let the others down.  My friend Dawn told her mother (the president of the resident’s organization) that she was taking me to the hospital.  I hated to leave the others shorthanded with us both gone, but I was really glad she took me to the hospital.   We made it up to them the next month when another member needed to go to the doctor and Dawn's mom wanted to go with the other member to the doctor, so we told them go ahead and go you covered for us last month we will cover for you now.   Dawn always had my back if anyone was picking on me.  That is a real friend, and I will miss her a lot. We lost her mom just last year.  
     It is hard when people we love pass on way too soon. Dawn was a lot younger than I.  I really think it sucks when people die too young.   I am not sure exactly how old she was but it was either her late 30's or early 40's.  She was always great with the neighborhood kids.   We had a little girl in the neighborhood what had all kinds of health issues. The poor child really could not do anything for herself.  Her body and mind did not function well, but we all thought she understood what was being said to her even though she herself could not talk.  Sometimes she would yell some sounds.  When she did Dawn would tell her you scared me and she would laugh. She loved scaring Dawn, and Dawn played along to make her happy.   Dawn had a lot of empathy for others.  If someone was upset she would try to make them feel better.  It is very sad she died at such a young age, but I guess God knows better when someone is done here on Earth then I do.  I just hope she made it to heaven, and gets to play with the people that died as children there.  I think she would do well around children's spirits.
   GOODBYE DAWN YOU WILL BE MISSED AND THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND.

Got my eyes checked yesterday, and i got 20/20 in one eye and 20/30 in the other eye.  Not bad for someone in their 60's.   The eye doctor said my eyes are better then his and e is 12 years younger, so it is not all bad with my health .   Maybe that is a sign that the other issues will clear, and the other issue will clear so i can use my good sight for years to follow.   After all the bad news I will take any good news that I can get it.

     I went for the tee today and the thrombosis is still there.   That is not even the worst part of my day.  Even though I made it clear to the doctor when I saw him at his office, I did not want a pacemaker, apparently he had planned to do it anyhow if the thrombosis was still there.    I told him in his office I did not want that, and I told everyone who would listen at the hospital I did not want that.  By the time the doctor came in to talk to me they had told him I was refusing a pacemaker, and he was annoyed I had changed his plans.   Call me paranoid, but I have never one time seen the image they get from the tees nor has anyone explained to me if it is changing or not.   How am I to know he is not just pushing for the pacemaker so I will have to go see him more and he will make more money?     
    When I said to him do you not remember me telling you in your office I did not want a pacemaker. He said he did not remember my last visit to his office just a couple weeks ago, but amazingly when I questioned more why he was wanting to do this, he said he had explained this to me at the office.  Now how in the world did he remember that and he did not remember what I said when I was there?
     When they discharged me they did not give me any instructions about follow ups with any of my doctors.   All they did was up the warfarin and put me back on a smaller dose of a medicine that I had already had problems with.  
     I am so depressed right now .  I am getting to the point where I want to just give up .  I do not see me ever being happy again if I am forced to have a pacemaker I do not want and do not think I need.
OOOOOOOOOOO and get this they said today that the blood thinners do not de solve the clots.  That it is up to my body to reabsorb it.   If that is true why am I on the blood thinners anyhow?
     I really do not know what I am going to do, I just know I am really depressed now.

     I just got the call last night everything is set for Monday.  They will be doing the third TEE test and if at last the clot has adsorbed they will finally do the ablation for my a fib.   I am really getting scared. The nurse said yesterday if the clot has not cleared the doctor is going to put in a pace maker.  I do not want that, and everything I have found about pace makers and afib say a pace maker is to make your heart beat faster if your rate is too slow.  That is not my problem. I also have atrial flutter and my heart beats too fast most times.  To put a pace make in they would have to destroy the connection between my natural biological pacemaker and then insert a mechanical one.  That would mean I would be dependent on the mechanical pacemaker to keep my heart beating, so basically if it malfunctions I am dead.   I would rather take my chances with the pacemaker that was built into my system when I was created then count on a mechanical device.   I really do not like things that my body did not come with put into it.
     The nurse at my doctors office is very frustrating.  In one sentence she says if the clot did not clear he is going to put in a pacemaker and in the next sentence she says he told her he would be really surprised if it did not reabsorb.  My emotions are every where. Every time I go and the clot is still there it makes it harder to be optimistic that it will ever clear, and I will ever have a normal life again.      
     I really hope this works this time.  I would really love to be in better shape by Christmas.

     I was to the doctor yesterday.  He said he feels pretty confident that the blood thrombosis will reabsorb.  He told me a clot is a solid grey bass on the scan and what i have is a swirl.  I asked so what does that mea?  He said it is not solid, and he feels it will reabsorb.   they are going to check it again with a tee at the end of September. Wish me luck.  At least now I have a little more optimism now.